I saw death herself one day.
It was a beautiful sunny winter day.
I was riding the tram. Lost in my thoughts I was looking out of the window, the blazing sun in my eyes gave me a feeling of warmth.
After a while, I looked around inside the vehicle. My gaze was stopped immediately, as it fixated on the girl in front of me. I don’t know why but somehow she caught my attention. She was looking out of the window, lost in thought and daydreams, just like I had been before.
I felt safe that I could discreetly look at her without her noticing. There was something special about her, maybe something a little weird, but I couldn’t figure out what it was. She was pretty but also kind of mousey. She was young, maybe twenty and rather small.
Her eyes were light-green. She wore a big slouchy wool cap over her dark brown hair and her body was wrapped in layers of dark green, brown, blue, and black winter-clothes. There was a backpack sitting on her lap. She had on stockings. Her legs were… oh shit she saw me looking!
I immediately looked out of the window as if something was fascinating going on out there. After a while checked if she was still looking at me. She was! Her eyes were fixed on me! Her expression was calm, warm even. She wouldn’t let go, so I took all of my courage and looked her directly in the eyes.
We held each other gazes for a while. I was nervous at first but her eyes made me relax away. We just looked at each other without saying a word and somehow it felt natural. She started to smile. My heart skipped a beat and I smiled back.
“So how are you?“ I asked.
I would never spontaneously talk to a girl on public transport, I was much too shy. But she made me feel so relaxed and confident.
“I‘m fine thank you. And how are you?“ her voice was beautiful and gentle. “I’m fine as well thank you.“
I didn‘t know what to say after that, so we just looked at each other for a while. I was drowning in her eyes. ‘Keep the conversation going before she gets out!‘ I thought.
“So… where are you going?“ I asked clumsily. “To a funeral“ she answered. “Oh I‘m so sorry!“ I said breaking a sweat. “Don‘t be. It‘s only a small one. I’ll be ok“ she smiled again. “Okay, “ I said.
I had a feeling that I was really bad at this and I slowly started getting nervous. Her smile however calmed me right down. She made me feel so safe, so warm, so…
“What’s in the backpack?“ I asked. “My boyfriend’s head, “ she said with a smile.
I chuckled, I like weird girls. But then I noticed something: There was a dark-red fluid coming from the backpack, running down her legs, forming a little red pool on the floor. My brain kind of stood still for a second. Something about this situation just got very serious.
I looked at her face and smiled awkwardly, looking for that ‚gotcha!‘ expression. But it never came. She just smiled calmly. Was she serious? But it‘s impossible… right?
“Why do you have his head in your backpack?“ I asked. She said: “We didn’t get along anymore. We had a really good time but all good things have to end someday.“ “I see… did you kill him?“ I was kind of running on autopilot.
She looked out of the window dreamily and started petting the backpack like a cat.
“You know life is like that sometimes. We met two years ago. He picked me up from a very bad state. He made me laugh, showed me the nice things in life. He taught me to be happy again. And then… one day I saw him in bed with…“
she stopped with a lump in her throat and she squeezed her backpack so that red liquid oozed from it. Her eyes got wet. She caught herself again and continued:
“but it’s okay. I‘ve lost him but I still know how to be happy. That‘s what I learned and I don‘t need him for that anymore.“ “glad to hear that.” She smiled at me. It was heartwarming.
“I‘m gonna bury him in a park, under the tree where we had our first kiss.“ “I’m sure he would have liked that“ I replied.
Somehow the whole situation was just pleasant. I liked talking to this girl. After a moment of silently smiling at each other she said:
“I have to get out soon. Say, would you like to grab a cup of coffee sometime?“
Her question caught me off guard. I felt like a little boy. Not knowing what I should and wanted to do, I smiled and blushed. Then I looked at her. Her warm smile, her beautiful green eyes… I opened my mouth to say yes but suddenly some strange forgotten instinct kicked in and instead I asked:
”Did you love him?“.
She didn‘t reply. Her gaze became sad and serious and her smile turned into a bitter frown. A single tear rolled down her cheek. She looked at me with an unfathomable sadness and I looked back at her with all the compassion I could offer. She wiped her face dry with her sleeve, got up, and got out. I never saw her again.
To this day I tell myself that she made a joke or that she was just being weird. I could have gone on a date with her. Of course, she didn‘t kill her boyfriend… but if I‘m completely honest with myself I know…
I saw death that day and she was beautiful, a few days later these strange men knocked on my door and asked me questions about a girl that I may have seen or chatted to, I decided to say I had not. Something caught my eye, they had a symbol on their right chest that looks like a circle with 3 arrows pointing out from the sides.
Author: Just A Clover