Before we get into the nitty gritty of this post I feel that I should make it quite clear that this is not an attempt by me to make a pity party or get any sympathy votes that are on the go.
That being said, in today’s post, the first post of the new year, I want to take a look back at 2021 and how some of the events that I experienced last year have put me in the position I am in today.
Getting straight to the point, I found 2021 to be a rough year, I was in a bad place right from the start. You see something had happened just before the end of 2020 which changed everything and forced me to take a long hard look at who I was and what I actually wanted. I’m not going to go into what happened right now, I “might” at a later date, but not right now, it’s enough to say that what happened at the end of 2020 changed everything for me.
I have no idea why but, 2021 saw my confidence take a nose dive, I couldn’t even sit in front of my camera and record video’s for my YouTube channel, even now, as I am writing this, I can’t put my finger on what exactly was the cause.
Don’t get me wrong, about a quarter way through 2021 I did record some videos but I couldn’t even get past the editing process, I couldn’t get past how I looked or the fact that I could be seen
At one point I thought it would be a good idea to delete all images of myself from all of my social media accounts and go faceless, I even thought that wearing a mask and adding a bit of mystery to who I was, was a good idea, but I always ended up deleting them.
(To those who had to put up with seeing blog posts, videos and everything else suddenly vanish not long after they were published.. I am sorry).
Around the backend of 2021 I literally dropped off the side of the world and went dark on almost all of my social media accounts. Deleting almost all of the posts on my Instagram, deleting all the videos on my YouTube channel and deactivating and deleting my Twitter, it felt as though I had nothing to say and what I did have to say, was irrelevant and a waist if other people’s time.
Fast forward to now; I have been seperated from my wife for just over a month now, I guess I should mention here that there were no 3rd parties involved in our separation. No other woman, no other man, no-one.
I have my own place now and am concentrating on getting to know me again. Trying to become the person I used to be.
Am I happy? In truth, I can’t 100% say that I am, but I am okay which is a movement in the right direction right now.
On the subject of moving in the right direction, I do have goals and things that I want to achieve in 2022.
See, when I moved out, I left literally with a small day bag on my back and that was it. I left my prepping gear, camping stuff and everything else behind, everything..
I do have a lot of my things with me now but not everything, so… That being said. To a greater or lesser extent in some areas I am starting over, from scratch and it is this which is at the forefront of my goals at the moment.
With that in mind, my goals in no particular order, include:
1: Get out of debt. Unfortunately I have had to rely on my credit card a lot over the last month or so and Christmas certainly did not help, so this is right up there on my things to do list.
2: Gather the things I will need should I find myself in an emergency situation, things like tools, food, water, first aid supplies and the like.
3: I am certain that over the last few years I have changed, I am not the person I used to be, that change has been both physically and mentally. I want to get back to the person I used to be.
I need to get back into shape, I have been saying this for years but now I feel I need to do this more than ever, not only to become physically fit but for my own mental health. At the moment, I don’t like what I see when I look in the mirror and that needs to change.
I need to stop being a reactionary person, I need to work on my mental health, be more mindful and spend less time in the past while stressing about possible futures. If that means I start taking medication to do this, then so be it. If I am honest, this part should be right up there at number 1..
4: Alcohol… Yeah, at the moment, I don’t like the person I become when I drink, so.. I need to stop drinking or, at least stick to maybe one or two drinks maximum on very, extra special occasions.
5: Social media. I have already deactivated and deleted most of the social media I used, at the moment I only use social media as a way to communicate with a few people I consider friends.
The only apps I have not got rid of are Facebook (I have 32 friends on Facebook, 5 of them are either people I work with now, the rest are family.. that is it, it’s all I want)
The other is YouTube. One thing I wanted to start again this year is making videos for YouTube, there are so many things I want to talk about both on video and here on my blog. Unfortunately, my internet is powered by a potato and a guinea pig on a little wheel and uploading a video can take half a day.
The good news is, because of my potato internet, I will be starting up my podcast which is a lot faster and easier to update at the moment, maybe in time or when I have half a day to upload a video I will start uploading some of my podcasts to YouTube.
Both if these are or were out of my comfort zone over the last year or so and I need to push through the discomfort and, well, go for it.
I don’t want to fall back into making blog posts and videos that I think people want to see, instead I want to make content that “I” want to make, about things that interest me, things like prepping and Norse paganism, as well as anything else that might peek my interest at any point in time.
So, there you have it, not a pity party at all but more of a mental kick in the pants for me.
Will I achieve my goals? Only time will tell, it’s enough to say that the only person who can stop me from doing this.. is me.